Empathy, you are the worst of me

I think this is where I cross the line now. I feel like learning to be empathetic was a mistake. Like, at surface level its perfectly fine to be that for people. You understand how they feel. But the way I empathize isn’t normal, maybe it is for people that have done it themselves. But it doesnt feel normal, for example, the things that scar you the most. The things that have taken years to finally realize aren’t your fault, the things that time took to heal. You are a veteran now, you lived and survived that horrific mental war thats been plaguing the most rearward part of your brain. You know what to do, you’ve reflected, you handled the situation.

But wait, you’re wiser now, looking back you could’ve avoided that easily if you had blah blah. You’re tougher because you went through something other people didn’t have to. Except, lookie here, somebodys opening up to you and telling you the same exact mental scenario that you just overcame. Help this fool! And so the rabbit hole deepens, and you’re literally working through their situation like its your job. (It’s not) Now you’re having a flashback, you’re NOT making the assist, you just self-passed. You’ve become invested in something you can’t control. They don’t need your help, they honestly probably didn’t even want it, would you? Did you?

It’s weird to be at a state of self reflection. Especially if you’re doing it all the time. You start to see yourself in other people. And I mean I suppose it would happen especially if its to people younger then you. Certain things only really happen to you at specific times of your life, others can happen whenever. But the times that I see are things I have already experienced. And that ruined me to the point where I wouldn’t wish that to happen to any person, in reality or even in fiction. So suddenly I’ll get invested, they are the main character, and I’m the Author, but why is this story writing itself? This isn’t what I wrote.

I guess I could leave empathy behind and go back to being a recluse, a robot. I gave it a good try, this has been too much. It’s effecting my productivity, I refuse to live like this, 2020 has been such a shit storm, with no signs of letting up. I need to keep the plans in mind, so sorry in advance if it seems like I’m uninterested or detached. I’m no hero, I won’t save you.

Being your own disappointment

I figured it out, I’m not going to say that being raised asian is different, maybe it’s just being born in the 80’s-90’s our parents just had a different view on what our opportunities were supposed to be. Like you’ve probably heard the normal like, asian parents want their kids to be doctors, or engineers, or lawyers, something around those lines. And don’t get me wrong, those are all amazing and awesome careers for SOME people. For the rest of us who never knew what we were doing, because we wanted to be doing other things that we couldn’t afford, or were too dangerous. We tend to be black sheep in that sense. We were never what we were “supposed to be” or what our parents had “spent so much money on”.

It feels like being a constant disappointment, for whatever reason that you hadn’t pursued the “plan” you try to find that one thing that you’re gonna be. And you get really scared about that decision because you’re very critical about the decisions you make. You’ve bounced around so many different things that you can see how it reflects into your everyday life.  All the while what should be your support, is about as strong as saran wrap. Being told, “I told you so” or “I knew that would happen” is said so often, you’re better off not explaining a thing to anybody. As a parent, I dont know whats gonna happen to this kid at all. I will push him in whatever direction he wants to go, even if he tries a million things. Because I dont have the right to decide what he will be doing when he becomes a man. I just want him to be happy with the decisions he makes, rich or poor. Which brings me to my point. As an adult when you get to this point, be firm, be strong about it. You will live with the decision you make right or wrong, but you’re going to give 50,001% because plan B doesn’t exist.

Being in the work force since I was 18, in regards to my work ethic, or my demeanor has always been solid, OP, doing things I don’t need to do, to some it probably seemed kiss-ass-ish. But nobody is going to do your work, nobody is going to notice or tell you how hard you’re working except for the people that pay you. You’re getting paid to do a job. Shine then, be smart about it, work has hard as you can so that you can stand out and deserve to be there and be treated as such. I always try to work hard at whatever job I may be doing, I left my previous job of 10 years to search for the opportunity to move up. My current job failed and I saw the company shutting down from a mile away but kept pursuing my opportunities to show that I wanted to improve things there as much as humanly possible. It didn’t matter, after Job hunting I had a few job offers and found one where they appreciate hard work. And that as long as I willing to learn, I was able to move up paygrades. FINALLY! Being a man without a degree or trade-experience, work-wise it’s amazingly hard to get jobs that aren’t sometype of tedious labor and pay well at the same time. I HAVE TO work twice as hard because I dont have a degree, this isn’t ever just a job to me, this is my money, I’m not trying to get paid the same I was last year, I’m not just here for the insurance. I’m busting my ass, because I’m trying to become an asset. I know what I can do, I just need the chance to show it. Thank you GE, I will do my best to prove my worth.

Missed Opportunities

If you’re here for car stuff, my bad because this isnt that. But my yearly assessment has been due, and its a time where I like to reflect over the decisions I’ve made over the past year. I’m probably stretching its due date way past normal, but I can’t help but think that it shouldn’t be something I do at the end of it all. Maybe during, maybe immediately after. But I know humans in general have regrets. I think part of it is the fact that we doubt ourselves when it comes time to make a pivotal decision. Sometimes you can’t see the end of the road, you’re not meant to. I like to plan, I like to research, I like to know everything before I hop into anything, its the way I am naturally. I do not like surprises.

Part of being better to me, is to not regret the decisions I make. Its never too late, things are fixable, time heals all. These are sayings that urk me to the core, because not all things work out that way. You just have to keep your eyes forward and your head upright. If in doubt of the decisions you make, move forward, say your piece and move on. If the path you picked leads to the destination you’re striving towards, all things lost will make their way back to you. If not, they weren’t meant to be there. Life is finicky like that, I’m not saying don’t reminisce, I’m just saying don’t wonder what if. Make it work. Maybe people are better at being more nonchalant about it, but I admit I’m way more blunt then I should be. I just don’t see the point. If you have the time to regret, you have the time to work harder, whether it be on your goals or yourself. Do your best. がんばって

I’m back on my bull shit

So keeping progress is something I felt was unnecessary for awhile (not like anybody missed it lol). But here I am ready to work, since we last left off my motor was pulled out because I’m stupid. Like literally i do things for no reason because I dont care lol.

Here we go with the photo dump:

the cusco pedal is a ft86 part but as you can see looks cool shoutout to Timmy for puttin me on, feels really comfortable in place.i never had windshield defroster vents, like alot of my heating components were missing. When it came time to use it, only the center of my windshield was fogless. And I had to literally drive with my window cracked open in any weather. Hopefully it will solve my problemThen that lead to removing my entire interior to remove all the old sound deadning. Which I’m trying to find a suitable replacement, maybe something cheaper then dynamat. Blah blah I get it, why remove it then, well i needed to see what the condition of the floors and such were at, then I hit with dry ice that Sunny picked up for me ever so kindly. I mean what could I say that shit works for the most part, I just didnt know that it was on the firewall too, and by that point i was out of dry ice. I scraped the rest of that shit by hand.After that nonsense was semi-squared away I started to think to myself that it would be a good idea to stitch weld my bay. I had purchased a Lincoln Handy Mig, but never got around to getting c25. I tried my hand at fluxing some holes shut which were self inflicted when drilling spot welds without the proper bit. And that was a shit idea. Just like everything else I do lol. At that point I made a plan to go to Air gas and I picked up a bottle dialed in my settings, and by that I mean practice shaving holes until it got easy without burning throughand the result is as shown. Super shitty but will be grinded down and filled. As for the stitch welding, that shit was fun, like I’m sure theres a more proper way to do it, but what better practice laying beads then stitch welding the whole bay and probably the entire interior in the future. I gotta remember to check Flos.IE for that kit they were selling, ya remember that one they used on the Hot Version 86 to brace different places in the engine bay? Yeah he sells that. I also traced the things I cant shave that way I can use my freshly purchased pair of shears to cut out and weld in some plates to delete the big ass holes in my engine bay, and the rear turn signals on the quarter panel.

I mean other then that, my engine gets rotated, uh the Harness is getting cleaned and reloomed, and I bought a civic that I GSR swapped, mostly Sunny but I helped? Barely. I bought a J’s Racing axleback for it and I love the sound, sooooo if I sell the civic this is gonna get thrown on the corolla for fun. 2.35 ID and it sounds cool, so possibly could be replacing the yoshimura in the future. I want 2020 to be good, so if I’m not posting progress here look outside, if its sunny out yell at me ✌🏽


2020 has had a strong prioritization on recovery. All the fuckery will catch up to you at 31, you’re going to start realizing time isnt something you get back. So how do you think you can sulk your way through a decade? Get right, take care of yourself mentally. You might think that you’re sleeping less now that you’re so busy, but just remember that you woulda been sleeping the same amount getting nothing done. It isn’t just you, but it isn’t just for you either. If you die tomorrow, that means you got alot to get done before tomorrow.


Note to Self

Maintenance is a neccessary evil

So since the last update heres what I’ve been up to, or should I say am currently doing this week. 

I pulled the motor so that I could install my resurfaced Toda flywheel and new oem exedy replacement (Until I can decide on a more suitable clutch kicking, long lasting clutch). Of course front and rear main seals, and new oem flywheel bolts with threadlocker are must.

While I was at it I’ve had a few parts saved up since the engine will be out. Including a Mr2 rack with an mk3 intermediate shaft for the angular feels paired with new power inners and outers an oem power knuckles it should give me a little more freedom. I also picked up xcessive manufacturing bushings since it had to be done and they provide both vs T3 only providing the required side. 

My plan for this week is to clean up the rack, strip & paint the crossmember tomorrow morning (Wednesday).  By the afternoon at 2, take off the timing belt and crank pulley, replace the front and rear main seals, and throw on the toda and exedy setup then go to work. Thursday Morning or afternoon I’ll throw the crossmember and rack back in then go to work. Friday my buddy Timmy should be by to assist me to drop the motor back in, pray that I have no leaks, then bam Saturday ToyotaFest!!!! I’ll just break the clutch in on the way there if all goes as planned, but do they ever really lol? 


Updates? Hopefully soon, still pacing myself, even at a fast pace I feel slower then most. But it isn’t good to compare yourself to others, as often as we all do that. I’ve learned that to be a good father, spouse, great man overall you need balance. But I will work harder.